Day Six: Brainstorm/strategize. Write out your future.
So………. where do I go from HERE?
You see, up until a few months ago, I knew my future; I was going to get married, move to Atlanta, and live happily ever after… Had the ring, planned the proposal, sought the job and apartment in Atlanta.
Funny how life goes sometimes.
It’s never been about planning my future; I’ve spent my entire life planning. My future is the one thing I’ve always been aware of; and, most of my problem.
I’ve always lived with the notion that i’ll be ok… things will be fine… i’ll be happy… In the future. It’s what drove me in college to spend all my extra time in the library. It’s part of my ambition. I’ve always associated happiness with task completion; that, i’ll be happy when I finally reach my destination. But, on the path of least resistance, you realize that, since everything works out in the end, you may as well enjoy the ride.
Of late, my days seem to be filled with conversations with my father. He continues to tell me how I need to just get away, finally move to D.C., or Orlando, or Houston, or, my personal choice, Atlanta… Why Atlanta? Well…
It’s always been Atlanta…
From the first time I visited Atlanta to now, I’ve always said, I want to live in Atlanta. It’s a dream of mine. And, the reality is, there is nothing holding me back accept me. I have no baggage, I have talent and skills to apply in the workplace, there’s Georgia State Law School. I just have this overriding feeling of anguish when I think about moving. And, it’s not even about being away from home; I spent most of the past 10 years away from home. It goes back to the idea of deferred happiness. I have this horrible habit of going through life looking to the conclusion, while never actually enjoying the process.
My future? For the first time ever, it’s clouded by indecision.. I simply don’t know what I want to do anymore, and that hinders me from doing anything at all. But, even that’s not a real problem. I’m aware of my options.. I just need to set my sail to some distant port and get there. Even in my lack of clarity in terms of what exactly I want to do moving forward, today I’m even more sure of who I want to be, and how I want to govern my life.
My future? It’s about understanding that I must not allow the onset of Entropy in my personal life. That, even with an abundance of blessings from God, that, somehow I must continue to work on becoming a more sufficient Aldanzo. That, going forward, the preservation of self must be above all, a standard of living. Concern over whether others will approve of my decisions is no longer really something that matters to me. Likewise, I feel like I’m in a different place in terms of how I view people in their response to me.
What people say and do is a projection of their own dream, their own reality, so, don’t take anything personally… Because, nothing others do is because of you.
I’m hesitant today to map out my future because, I’ve always been about planning my future. Of all the things in my life, I’ve always been about looking ahead… But, today, I’m of the mind that I just need to enjoy the ride. I think i’ll be the person I want to be once I get to the point where I no longer wait for the future and simply start making moves today to ensure that later today is even better than right now. I don’t need to plan… I’ve planned enough. Now, I just want to live.
Tomorrow is ever elusive… All we’ll ever see is today.